Let me make one thing clear: this is a HOT debate in the parenting community. Who knew? Before having kids, I had no idea infant sleep was a challenge or was as controversial as politics.
Here is one thing I know for sure, though: both my children have slept through the night since the day they were born. No, I am not kidding, and no, I am not just "lucky". And no, I am NOT selling you any program to sleep train your baby. Cosleeping has allowed me to get the most rest as well as my children, I have been able to have a new branch to our relationship/bond I wouldn't have without bedsharing and I rest assured knowing they are safe and healthy.
Here is another thing I want to set straight: I have never left my child to cry, either. Well, how did we do this? Disclaimer: Let me begin by explaining that this has worked for MY family and many others that I know. I advocate for parents supporting their children safely however that may look. Neither of my children have health concerns and are in a healthy, stable condition.
Here is how I get my children to sleep:
1. Establish a routine: after dinner, we do bath/shower, brushing teeth, stories, then we snuggle into bed together (I nurse my infant to sleep, my toddler is cuddled next to dad).
2. Nursing to sleep in a safe sleep space: (see more below) When they wake, I return to the bed and nurse back to sleep while lying next to them. Then I ninja roll out of there!
It is really that simple: walk them through their bedtime routine, support them to sleep, and continue to support any wakings. Here is where you may be asking yourself, "Jeez, that sounds like a lot of work to support them each time they wake up?" Here is my response: no, it is not, and here is why: when my baby wakes, I nurse them in bed and they fall back to sleep quickly because they are being given exactly what they need, which is their mother's comfort. Once they are back to sleep and the nursing has changed to more of a sleepy nursing rhythm, I can leave the bed safely and get back to what I was doing before. When I am ready to go to bed, I will either lay next to them at a safe distance and fall asleep then resume the C curl position when they wake next. If I decide to fall asleep while nursing them, I just remain in the C curl position.
Now you may also be asking:
- If I continue to support them to sleep, how will they learn to fall asleep on their own or when will they sleep through the night? Answer: they WILL learn this skill, and very early on they will sleep through the night with the exceptions of developmental leaps and sleep regressions. What are those? Stay tuned... or google it! They will wake to nurse several times through the night, but this is a breeze because as soon as they stir, I sense it, help them nurse while in the C curl position, and once they are established on the breast, I drift back to sleep and so do they. When they are done nursing, they usually lift their head slightly then use the breast as a pillow! It's wild how adorable that actually is!
- Will supporting my baby to sleep cause them to be dependent on me forever? Answer: NO! Sleep training culture wants you to believe supporting your baby will make them need you to sleep forever, and that is so not true. Like riding a bike or teaching them a new skill, they need parental support to encourage them and show them the ropes, so why is sleep handled so differently? Well, I'm sad to say it's because supporting babies to sleep can be inconvenient for the parent. I do not see supporting my children as an inconvenience; whether it's during the day or night, my job as a mother does not stop when the sun goes down like others would like to make you believe.
- Does this mean you don't sleep in your own room? Answer: I do sleep in my own room with my husband AND my kids! There is nothing wrong with this; it works for our family, and my marital relationship is strong enough to handle sharing our sleep space. Sleep trainers want to push this ancient agenda that the marital bed is only for husband and wife... ew, just typing that out is gross; it sounds so geared towards a misogynist male agenda that wants women available to them "during the night" for "marital relations" (literally about to vomit currently, anyone else?) The roots of the sleep training culture were created by men and continue to be popular because it promotes this "easy version" of parenting. Sorry to burst the bubble, but raising kids is the most amazing challenge you will ever have, and no, it's not convenient!
- When will your kids ever sleep in their own room? Answer: I am not going to let a calendar dictate when my child is ready for their own sleep space. I was raised co-sleeping with my parents in their room and think it was around 5 or so when I transitioned to starting the night in my room; if I would wake and be scared or felt the need for comfort, I was always allowed to climb into my parents' bed. So when we are able to talk with them and they share they are ready and want to sleep in their own bed, I will support them with that AND always let them know they can sleep in my bed with me as long as they want. This time moves so fast; this won't be forever, and I will always cherish these memories; I have no need to rush this time.
- Aren't you scared of hurting your baby in your sleep? Answer: NO, NEVER, NOT EVEN A LITTLE! I am not under the influence; I am not suffering from any health concerns; I have a safe sleep setup; I am nursing my baby; my bed is firm; the room is childproofed; the bed is on the floor; no heavy blankets, no excess pillows, gaps against the wall are filled; no pets are in the room; cords are put away; no choking hazards are in the bed or room. Please do your research on safe bedsharing and cosleeping arrangements. The safe sleep 7 are key.
Again, I must make clear: this is how my family approaches sleep. What your family does will look different. I share this post to continue to make bedsharing have a more public presence. Families that co-sleep/bed share usually are afraid to say anything to family, friends, doctors because of the backlash of tending to our babies "too much". Just the idea of that really is insane that we could be criticized for prioritizing our child's needs and responding accordingly, it makes me feel like I am living in an alternate reality where common sense is not common.. oh wait I think that is reality now.
All jokes aside, I am a full-time working mom who wants to respect my child's needs day and night, I don't buy into the mantra that:
supporting needs has to be inconvenient when you're tired
you shouldn't spoil your babies
you have to set them down in their own sleep space drowsy but awake
they must sleep alone in their own room
you should sleep train because that is what the pediatrician recommend at 3 months
you should ignore your babies cry
parents need to force independence on an infant
Sleep training is the FIRST results when you google how to get your baby to sleep....I am on a journey to change the dialogue of mainstream infant sleep; I want baby-led sleep methods/respectful methods to be the gold standard of parenting. I want to grow the Let Me Love My Baby (LMLMB) community and make change with large corporations that speak to a larger audience.
Aside from from the 30 year plan, as a new mother I was also left with a-lot of other questions:
what the heck is drowsy but awake?
can babies really self soothe? Answer- no!!
who created sleep training and why?
why do so many sleep training programs try to sell a no tears sleep training method or Cry It Out (CIO) method ?
why am i seeing people being told not to make eye contact with their babies?
why are people rocking their baby from outside the bassinet with a blanket on their face?
why are parents inconvenienced by their helpless infants?
why do large corporations like Huggies, Pampers and What To Expect promote sleep training?
how is sleep training not a form of neglect when they are telling you to ignore your babies cries?
why are people told babies are manipulating them?
how do you respectfully teach your babies to self soothe one day?
If you are like me and are left with the same questions and feel the same surrounding infant sleep please come back to this community, subscribe to be updated with newest blog posts. Check out my instragram page for more conversation surrounding these topics as well for a peak inside my life as a cosleeping mom of 2. Thank you for reading this and please continue to love your babies!
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